How I Suppressed And Then Accepted My Attraction to Males

 I  had moved away from home at 19 and started school  in MooseJaw.  I don't  recall exactly how it came to pass, but I was at this guy's place (let's call him Dave)  and we talked for an hour or two.  Or I should say mostly he talked and I listened.  He went on and on about how much he couldn't stand gays and talked about him and his friends going to a gay bar and beating up some gays and yelling at them "And tell  all  your friends!".  He also went on and about a friend of his who had told Dave he was gay.  "He's not gay.  I told him "You're not gay, you're  just confused..." perhaps as much trying to convince himself as me.

At the time I was feeling ashamed and horrified by my attraction to males and a  couple of years earlier I had found that by vehemently thinking about how angry gays made me and how much I hated and rejected them I could push awareness of those attractions out of my mind and convince myself I had no attraction to men.  This had subsided a bit until I met Dave and we had our conversation.  Dave's anti-gay tirade put me back on that same track and I again started cultivating hatred and red hot anger towards gays to suppress my attractions to men.

Some  time  later  I was with a group of male friends I knew well  and we were all talking.  At one point I interjected "Hey, let's go to a gay bar and beat up some fags!".  Everyone stopped talking and turned to look at me,  their facial expressions clearly and loudly saying "What the eff is wrong with you?!".  I hadn't expected that reaction and it kind of jarred me out of the pattern of thinking that I had been going through and I thought to myself "They're right, all this hatred and anger and wanting to beat up gays is crazy, this is not who I am.".  From that point forward  I stopped feeling angry and uncomfortable about my attraction to men, I relaxed and peaceably accepted it as a harmless part of who I am. 

Over the years I often thought about my brief visit with Dave and eventually came to the conclusion that Dave was  trying to suppress his own attractions to men and the anger and adamancy were the tools to that end. 

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